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Lie back and think of Ireland...

Response to Tim Ireland:

Letter to Constituent in Mid-Bedfordshire

Dear Tim

Sadly for you I am not one for a fight.  I do not specialise in being very political and I am not going to take your blog apart piece by piece and argue the toss about what you have said.  When it comes to politics I'm sure you know what you're talking about. Well, I hope you know what you're talking about or else you really need to get out more, dear.  That's quite an obsession you have with Mrs Dorries.  Other blonde ladies are available; not me sadly, although you're welcome to get in the queue.  ;-)  Dr Lewis was very fortunate the day I whipped out my Filofax set the date and told him he was marrying me.  Sadly, his family are still coming to terms with it.  But that's a whole other therapy session.

My role on Planet Earth is to be generally amusing for benefit of my readership here on Livejournal; to spread encouragement and give support.  To laugh along with (and sometimes at) my friends and to be an all round good egg. Friend to Grannies and helping fluffy kittens across the road... that sort of thing.

I also deal in healthy dollops of sarcasm.  I don't take myself seriously and have no time for anyone who takes themselves seriously either.

I want to say thank you for all the work you have put in to your blog post.  As a seasoned blogger myself, although not doing even a gnats chuff of the research you do (I haven't the time, I work, I'm a Mum, I have a life); I think it's a truly special and wonderful thing you do, to sit in your mansion / house / flat / bedsit / parent's back room, in Guildford, Slurrey and work so hard and care so much about us poor people here in Middle Narnia;  cruelly afflicted by having Satan's Handmaiden as our MP for the last five years.   You care so much that you set up this wonderful blog dedicated to the single cause of eviscerating everything that Nadine Dorries does.  But yet you don't live here? If she is such a demon to be smote then why aren't you living here in Middle Narnia?  Imagine that eh Tim, fighting shoulder to shoulder with your comrades-in-arms to oust the evil one (is it me or did I just fall into the Lord of the Rings?).

in reiterating the nasty murky world of Nadine Dorries, it is truly shocking to read that she might have furthered her own interests by possibly elaborating the truth.  Wow... like we've not heard that a thousand time before.  *Cough* Tony Blair *cough*  In the interests of complete honesty - as we all know politicans are the most honest people on the planet, second only to political bloggers; can I just admit that I once stole a pen from British Nuclear Fuels?  Oh that's such a weight off my conscience.

I am really, genuinely flattered Tim that anyone gives a flying monkey muffin who I vote for on 6th May.  I can expect it from other local candidates, but you're so far away.  You live not far from Midsomer Harrumph, and indeed, not far from that tireless campaigner for the abolition of the Anglican Church, outnumberedby4  . By the way, everyone, you'll be glad to know that she's promised to have that idiot Williams out by Thursday, after which she will start on Rome.  Hurrah!

But... I digress. 

I had not thought such hatred existed towards current politicians.  Being, as I am a child of the 70's and 80's,  I always thought that such vitriol was the preserve of those who attacked Margaret Thatcher.  Nobody surely could ever arouse such strength of feeling as the Great Handbag herself.  Nadine is well and truly heir apparent it would seem, so I will watch out for the Great Handbag's demise and the passing of the crown. 

Of course you are entitled to write and think what you want.  You are free to express your opinion via Twitter, via your blog and I suppose via Facebook, You Tube and other Social Networking media, just as I can.  We are so lucky in Britain to have the opportunity to question those in authority.   It is our right and it is our duty to do so.  You believe Nadine Dorries is a liar and has consistently lied over the years and will do so again and again and again.

Unless I personally stand as MP for Mid Bedfordshire then I have to place my trust in someone else.  I have to allow that person, whoever they may be, with their own set of faults, failings and agendas, to represent me in Westminster.  We've heard so much about Nadine, so let's focus on the other runners and riders for Mid Bedfordshire, with this helpful graphic from the Bedford Times and Citizen:


At the point where Tim intercepted my Tweet, I had indeed seen Nadine Dorries delivering election leaflets on my estate.  The election was called on Tuesday 6th April and Tuesday 20th was the first time I'd seen ANYTHING from any candidate.  I was, frankly expecting a flurry of leaflets on Wednesday 7th April followed by each candidate hammering on my door, pledging their undying love to me and offering anything I fancied in return for my vote.  For the record, I am very low maintenance; a gift-wrapped Edward Cullen will suffice to secure all future crosses in boxes.   The fact that it was Nadine herself was a surprise, although I am still shocked that she didn't have the gift-wrapped sparkler on her, the bitch!

One can only hope Linda Jack, David Reeves, Bill Hall and Malcolm Bailey can read blogs and appear at my door armed with my bribe in order to secure my vote for them.

So, if Dorries is a lying cheating Scouser, then let's look at the other candidates vying to be the MP for Middle Narnia. Now, I've not had anything through the letterbox from them and none of them have knocked on my door and introduced themselves, so this is based purely online.

Oh dear, Linda Jack has possible the most USELESS website ever.  Her blogging skills leave a lot to be desired, the woman clearly is in desperate need of my help in that area.  She has managed two blogs since 23rd March -  woman that is just not trying hard enough!  This is such a disappointment.  I was voting Liberal Democrat long before it was fashionable to do so.  But Linda, where are you?  Darling, being slagged off in the Daily Mail is not good enough, you have to engage with people like me. I am the one who can send you to Westminster, where the hell's your Facebook page woman and why aren't you on Twitter?  More to the point, what do heck do you stand for, where's your manifesto?  I can find it for myself, or I can just ask my mate Tim Farron what the LibDems stand for.  At election time Linda, that should be under my nose. Look at Tim's website, that's what a LibDem page should look like.  Full of stuff.

Bill Hall from UKIP is here, and Oh blimey! No I apologise, Linda has possibly a Webby-award winning website compared to Bill's.  Gives me no clue what he stands for and I'm sure with that flat grey outline, I'll recognise him instantly when he turns up at my door, bearing my sparkly Edward and a stunning resemblance to a character from the Doctor Who episode 'The Idiot's Lantern.'  That's such a good page don't you think? Must have taken literally nanoseconds to do.

David Reeves, standing for the Labour Party. Ah finally, a decent looking webpage and his own website.  Well done!  But he's 29 and has therefore yet to emerge from the other side of puberty.  Do I really want to put my trust in someone who wasn't even born when Bucks Fizz twirled their way to victory in the 1981 Eurovision Song Contest?   And uh oh, warning bells, warning bells

In 2000 David worked on the US Presidential Campaign of Al Gore 

And?  Am I supposed to be impressed?  I don't get impressed by celebrity

and *SCREAM*

Rural Way of Life: David moved to Bedfordshire to enjoy the rural way of life. With his chickens and herd of pedigree pigs, David is a keen supporter of rural matters, a defender of the greenbelt, and advocate of sustainable local produce.

*Vomit*  Oh purlease, we don't all live on bloody farms around here.

I am intrigued though:  "Defender of the greenbelt"...Ooh does that come with an actual green belt, a swishy flashy sword and a rousing chorus of Tally Ho Tarquin?!  Do you hold midnight meetings in Ampthill Park and ride around like The Sergeant and Dogsberry in Kenneth Brannagh's version of Much Ado About Nothing.  Oh please say you do, that would be knicker-wettingly hysterical to watch!

You so can't be a proper Labour Party supporter with a herd of pedigree pigs.  Lindsay Hoyle's constituents would bitch slap you round Chorley Flat Iron for that sort of behaviour.  Yes, yes I *know* that Lindsay is a bloke and spells his name the girls way, but in Chorley, that just makes you hard.  Trust me, I'm from there.  Oh and by the way, yes we do call him Linseed Oil behind his back.  That's just the way we roll.

The thing is, I know David Reeves of old via the Ampthill Forum, and honestly, in his contributions, I've never happened across more self-righteous, up-himself bloke in my life and that's saying something.  Even with a sparkly Edward in his outstretched hand, I'd rather plait my own intestines than vote for him.  Am I making myself clear?  Good.

Malcolm, it all hangs on you dear as our Green party candidate.  Can you possibly provide a trusty haven for me to park my cross against come May 6th, so that Tim can have that warm glow about him, having prevented another deluded voter for unwitting voting for Satan's right hand girl.

Deep breath, lets look...


Malcolm, Malcolm, my gorgeous bloke! Unlike Linda, who pitched up in the blogosphere last week (or it seems like it), you have been a blogger for years, you have a viewable online election leaflet and you quote songs in your blog posts.  Darling you deserve a squee!

"I will recycle,
I'll use my bicycle,
I'll turn the heating down,
I'll fill my kettle halfway,
Listen to everything else you say ...
But don't take my freedom away,
Don't take my holidays,
Don't take my time away,
Don't take my wings away ....' "

I haven't a clue who the lyrics are by but I want to rush out and hug a tree right now!

Could you be my saviour from the alleged horrors of Nadine Dorries? 

Our planet Earth is unique, fragile and very beautiful. Its natural resources are finite, yet we are busy trashing it by consumerism and mindless growth. We should look for non-violent solutions to conflicts. Our actions should take account of the well-being of other nations, other species, and future generations.

Oh Malcolm, please *giggle* stop!  You're music to the ears of this Geography and Geology graduate, but where's the bit about what you do with the naughty people that break the law? Where exactly do you stand on taxation? Where's the bit about actually wanting to serve me as a consituent of Middle Narnia? Where's your stance about the incinerator?  Well obviously you'll be against it, Green Party members don't generate rubbish, and it's a proven FACT that they poop rainbows, so they don't need sewage services either.  Where do you stand on foreign policy? Oooh hang on, here's the answer on his blog:  Malcolm Bailey is Membership Secretary of the Green Left platform within the Green Party.  He stands on the Green Left platform?  Is that at Flitwick station?  Is that, like, a secret platform for environmentalists, a bit like Platform 9 and three quarters at Kings Cross?  Is that Green Left Platform any good for standing on if you're facing the angry wrath of the honourable member for Wyre Piddle, Worcestershire?

And you're a Green Activist.  Those two words, right there, even though I have a science degree and know damn well what it means, concern me.  Yes, we all want to live in Green Utopia, but I'm afraid you are not going to scare me if you nick the wheels off my car*, but you might scare Edith six doors down. She thinks activist is some shouting, marching chain cutter who is trying to liberate her pet Beagle.

So is that everyone?  Is that everyone who is standing against Satan for the job of MP for Middle Narnia?

We have Linda who hasn't a clue what she stands for and, from her website neither will anyone else 
Bill Hall who is Mr Faceless without even so much as a biographical note
David Reeves with his  'I'm young, I'm a War Hero, I've met Al Gore and I've got a herd of pedigree pigs, woohoo!'
Or Malcolm who is going to turn Mid Bedfordshire into an episode of the Good Life

So really, honestly, against that lot...  Nadine Dorries is looking awfully like the voice of reason. 

Sorry Tim!

But I'll leave you with this thought.  On May 6th, when I'm standing in the polling booth at Ampthill Baptist Church, working out which of the Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse to vote for  (because all of them will at times over the next 5 years in Westminster lie, pilfer and cheat their weasly guts out  - apologies to Captain Jack Sparrow there);  Whoever I end up voting for, whether I stick with my LibDem heart or incur the wrath of Bloggerheads and vote Dorries, I will stand there, pencil poised and think of you Mr Ireland.

Yours sincerely

Rachel J Lewis

* Regular readers will get the irony


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 22nd, 2010 09:40 pm (UTC)
Apr. 22nd, 2010 09:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Apr. 22nd, 2010 09:54 pm (UTC)
Ohhh, Tim Farron is a friend of yours, is he? My parents - who live in his constituency - think he's the best thing since sliced bread, and they're not even LibDem voters. They'll be voting for him regardless of party lines because he's done such a thumping good job in the constituency.
Apr. 22nd, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
I was at College with Tim. He's no fly by night, his heart and soul go into his politics
Apr. 23rd, 2010 05:56 am (UTC)
Well, please tell him from me that he rocks big time, because he has saved me from the utter mortification of having parents who vote UKIP!
Apr. 22nd, 2010 11:57 pm (UTC)
flying by seize the day are the lyrics you quote
Apr. 23rd, 2010 05:42 am (UTC)
Thank you. I've never heard of them, but thanks for clearing that up.
Apr. 23rd, 2010 06:38 am (UTC)
Okay, now I'm having to clean branflakes from my monitor!

You rock :o)

(Even if it means I have someone on my friends list who is even considering voting Tory... :op)
Apr. 23rd, 2010 07:24 am (UTC)
Beebarf says I Rock *feels 10ft high* :)

(Deleted comment)
Apr. 23rd, 2010 07:25 am (UTC)
Thank you. Can't wait for yours, Belfast will melt!
Apr. 23rd, 2010 08:59 am (UTC)
Nadine is in the rather enviable position of being one of Camerons favourites. Otherwise how else would he justify saying in the debates that those that broke the rules should not be in parliament, while ignoring the fact Nadine was caught (and indeed admitted) house flipping. Whether or not applying for the plethora of expenses was legal or not, house "flipping" certaintly wasn't. And I've had some exposure to the 20 week issue before. I have no qualms with how many weeks it is, but I do take issue to MPs lying to get their point across. If you can't come up with a decent, honest argument, then you shouldn't be making the argument. Otherwise, why was everyone so mad at Blair for going to war? He helped oust a genocidal tyrant, which surely is a good thing, right? Both Blair and Dorries' actions were born from lies and deceit. The one time I have spoken to Nadine I was left with the impression that she was a very arrogant, self important individual - more interested in looking good than actually having substance. I guess I didn't get the same treatment as yourself as I am not a constituent and so she couldn't give a dogs backside about me. But with the likelyhood of her becoming a member of the cabinet increasing, I sincerely hope I am wrong.
Apr. 23rd, 2010 09:34 am (UTC)
Tim...is that you? And as far as I know Rachel didn't make an argument. She gave her response to a blog that was dedicated to her. And as she said elsewhere. Her blog...her opinion
Apr. 23rd, 2010 10:16 am (UTC)
Truly wonderful post


May. 9th, 2010 09:37 pm (UTC)
What a load of smug, self-opinionated tosh and oft rather juvenile to boot. Yet you say, even with your science degree (yes, yes, we got that the first time - you needn't keep repeating it), that you don't take yourself seriously, while accusing poor Mr Reeves of being "up himself"? Hmmm, frying pan calling the kettle if you ask me ... But goodness gracious, have you nothing more to fill your time than write self-indulgently at such length? What about the bloody ironing, woman? And then there's the washing up. I suggest Dr Lewis gives you a stern talking to. Or sends that nice Tim round again ...
May. 9th, 2010 09:40 pm (UTC)
"...have you nothing more to fill your time than write self-indulgently at such length?"

Nope... :-)
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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