Ladies, but not so much Gentlemen - unless you happen to have been super observant in the bathroom recently - but you never usually are, so don't worry your pretty heads about this one.
Have you seen the Great Leap Forward we've made in sanitary protection?
Well, let me enlighten you.
Lil-lets now come fitted with Candystripe Technology. Ooooh! I know! You're impressed aren't you? It sounds right up there with sliced bread, non-iron clothing and the invention of the contraceptive pill to liberate women from the drudgery of... being women, I guess!
Candystripe Technology sounds smart doesn't it? Nicely spacey but with a hint of pink fluffy loveliness about it. Because that's what all the best women are - Rocket scientists in pink fur fabric bikinis. Their website even says
How thoughtful, they took all the boring away. Lovely lovely Lil lets!
And that's not all. Did you know that Lil-lets tampons are designed by experts? That's reassuring too, isn't it? Because we really don't want any old person designing stuff that goes down there. We all want an expert at it.
But what is this Candystripe technology? I've conducted an in-depth investigation especially for this blog. By in-depth I mean that I've cracked open a Lil lets tampon and pulled out the said Candystripe device. And I'm a bit perplexed... Was there supposed to be more?
It's not very Star Trek.
It doesn't appear to be a helpful early warning system that tells you when you need to change the thing, before what its supposed to be keeping in goes everywhere; (because it always does), that would be too much to hope for. No, I've checked repeatedly, dissected it with a knife, read all the technical manuals available (the box and the website), and CandyStripe Technology is apparently an anti-leak, easy grip... cord.
So, Lil-lets have managed to sex up a piece of string, then...?
Perhaps not quite so much of a Great Leap Forward then, more like a Facepalm Moment.
So, let me get this right. Your new, all-singing, all-dancing tampon (possibly costing me a few pennies more for the privilege of buying such an advanced technical gizmo), now comes with a piece of string that is easier to grip? And don't give me that anti-leak rubbish, I've road tested it and it still leaks!
You have to hand it to Lil-lets, they are doing their damndest to try and put a gloss on something that is about as wonderful as period pain. Their website gives you the impression that having your period is the most natural and fun-filled experience of your month. Well it's certainly natural but bollocks to the fun-filled. Trillions of women for millennia will tell you that when it comes to periods, the best you could possibly hope for is that you're never far from a loo...
... or a box of paracetamol
... or a bar of chocolate
... or a machete
But that's not going to stop Lil lets and I'm sure their competitors trying to enthuse you into buying their particular brand of things to soak up blood.
But ditch the silly string gimmick and lets go for something akin to kids plasters with cartoon characters on them. Where are the tampons printed with your favourite vampire? They're missing a trick there! That would be a hilarious decision every month - Should I buy Dracula, Bill, Mitchell or Edward? Of course the Twilight ones could come in sparkly boxes and come on, you're not telling me that True Blood shouldn't release their own line of tampons. It would be such a laugh!
And you can be a friend of Lil lets now on Facebook. You don't need to just confine yourself to seeing Lil-lets once a month, you can see them every day. I am beside myself with joy. :-P of course I'll click 'Like' on that. #nevergoingtohappen
So there we are, that's what fell out of my head this Friday afternoon.
That's five minutes of your life you'll never get back...
I'm off on holiday now, so see you next weekend.
Comic Relief could make a bomb on vampire-themed tampons. I dare them!
- Current Mood: amused